i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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