I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
