did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
