Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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