Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
