they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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