I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
