he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
