I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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