The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
