Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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