dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
