He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
