$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
