im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
