she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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