I met the friendliest cop last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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