So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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