Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
