Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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