we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
