does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
