If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Drunk is not a location!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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