I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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