Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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