They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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