Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Pants are for mortals
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
