I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
