how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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