Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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