Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is my gift to your gina
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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