you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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