I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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