oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
