i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
