Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
