My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
