he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
