R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
