Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You can't special order awesome
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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