I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
