He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
