Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
