also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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