this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
