No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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