Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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