I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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