That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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