I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
