And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
