Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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